Meet Andrew K, an autistic man navigating fatherhood for the first (and second) time

This guest blog post is by Andrew Komarow, founder of Planning Across the Spectrum andhost of the Autism Speaks Adulting on the Spectrum podcast. Andrew specializes in helping any individual, family or employer of those with autism and other disabilities pursue financial independence.在最近的问答中了解有关安德鲁的更多信息.

我的第一个父亲节是四年前，我会说实话 - 这不是最好的。我和我自己的父亲最近切断了我们的关系，与此同时，我刚刚得到了自闭症的诊断。我的诊断为我回答了很多问题，但提出了更多的问题，包括“我什至可以成为好爸爸吗？”

随着岁月的流逝，我接受了诊断，我了解到我当然可以和我。现在，进入我的第五个父亲节（我和两个女儿的第一个），情况有所不同。我的父亲旅程并非没有挑战，但这是我一生中最伟大的部分。

I have been told that when new fathers find out they are going to be a dad, their reaction to a pregnancy can be delayed to some extent. They don’t “feel it” until the baby is right in front of them. I think this was especially true for me as an autistic man. Yes, I built the crib and I took the birth classes. I went to the appointments and saw the blinking heartbeat on the screen (I think… I could never really make out what I was looking at). None of it felt “real” to me though.

Instead of picturing the little person who was about to grow my heart 100 times bigger, I was more focused on the upcoming changes. I was obsessively concerned with how my routine would change. Would I still be able to shower first thing in the morning? I had just moved to a new office location and was trying to get my business off the ground—how was that going to

change? I felt completely blind. While my wife was supportive and understanding, she had no idea how frightened I was not knowing what things would look like or what I would be doing.

I found that focusing on what I could control—the things in my life outside of the baby that I could plan for—was very helpful. Maybe it was willful ignorance, but it seemed like a good coping mechanism to me. I focused on my home, my pets, my work, my friends—and my wife really took the lead on baby planning. We quickly learned that if she presented me with choices and talked about more concrete decision making when it came to the baby (or better yet, decisions already made), it was much easier for me to wrap my head around. “Do you want to hire a painter or spend a weekend painting our spare bedroom?” was much easier for me than “Let’s talk about the nursery!”

When my first daughter was just a few months old, I got my autism diagnosis. I questioned how that was going to affect me as a father now that I could put a label on everything that I had experienced for so long. As it turned out, with lots of communication and a very supportive partnership, Jes and I were able to do it.

That little baby came and our lives completely changed. It was challenging, but we were doing it, and honestly, doing it well. We learned to communicate to each other what we needed, give each other breaks and spend time together. Jes learned that giving me clear directions and setting clear expectations was best for both of us.

是的，我的日常工作肯定是不同步了一段时间，是的，那很难。事情是 - 这是暂时的。现在，我的例行程序包括每个星期五从学校里捡起我最古老的人，并把她带出去吃冰淇淋。谁能生气？父亲节现在包括我在孩子们的脸上得到一双袜子的传统。现在，他们认为他们很有趣，但是我迫不及待地想让他们在体育比赛，毕业和与我的婴儿脸袜子的婚礼上感到尴尬！

当我们发现自己怀有第二个女儿露西时，我感到更加自信和准备好了。我什至期待着那些与她在一起的深夜，看电视在她睡着时看电视。艾玛（Emma）现在四岁，我可以与她分享我的兴趣（她喜欢玩怪物卡车）。我不是完美的，但是男人，她似乎认为我是。

I remember one client telling me when my first was born, “Pretty soon they are going to be running your life, just you wait!” And what do you know, I called her last year and said, “You were right.”